Just Like Starting Over
by JesusShotTheSherrif
Summary: Near the end of his senior year, Spinner finds himself locked in a very unexpected love triangle.  SLASH.  Takes place about a year after Going Down The Road    Previously titled "8th Wheel, 9th Wheel"
1. Unexpected Guest

I woke up suddenly. I felt disgusted, yet at the same time I felt an odd jolt of arousal. I had had the dream again.

Drenched in sweat, I slowly got out of bed. The walls of my apartment seemed to be falling in on me. I don't know if that was because I had just woken up or because I had been drunk the night before. As I entered the bathroom, I caught a glance of myself in the mirror. I'd gotten so much thinner since I started living here. I'd cut my hair since the previous year. It was just brown again...very plain. I liked it.

I stumbled over to the toilet to take a piss. As I reached down, I realized that my boxers were wet. My dream had been a wet dream. I finished peeing before washing my hands vigorously. Then I turned the shower on. I needed to cleanse myself of this awful feeling. I felt so dirty. I felt dirty every time I had the dream.

My stomach growled slightly as I made my way into the kitchen. I hadn't eaten since breakfast the previous day. As I reached into the cupboard to pull out a box of cereal, I noticed a plethora of beer bottles lying on the counter beside me. Suddenly I felt sick. I dropped the cereal and hurried back into the bathroom. Leaning over the toilet, I felt like I was about to vomit. But I never did. After a few painful minutes, I stood back up and felt the water in the shower. It was warm now.

I took off my undershirt and then my boxers and quickly jumped inside the shower, pulling the curtain shut behind me. As I washed the sweat and dirt off my face, I closed my eyes. I felt peaceful now, not dirty. It was the most wonderful feeling in the world.

But then the painfully arousing dream snuck its way into my mind once more. I had started having it a couple times a week since the last time I'd seen Craig the previous summer. It felt strange, like someone else's sick fantasy was playing inside my head, but I couldn't stop it. It was just a dream, right?

We were on my bed and Craig was lying next to me. He whispered into my ear and then I noticed that neither of us was wearing any clothes. He kissed me and I ran my fingers up and down his side. I felt him all over, growing more and more excited with every inch I touched.

I opened my eyes quickly and I realized that I'd gotten an erection, but I didn't think twice about it. What felt wrong only minutes ago now felt so right. My hand moved to my member. I gripped it gently at the base slowly began to stroke.

I had very suddenly been thrown into a swirl of pleasure. My surroundings were lost to me as I delved into my imagination. I pictured my dream…I could almost feel Craig's smooth skin against mine, but soon it wasn't enough. I wanted more. I explored my fantasy further than it had ever gone on its own. I could feel the impending release building in my loins. I was going to explode any moment, and I realized that I had started to rub my nipples gently so that I could barely feel it.

Then I erupted all over the floor and the wall, my entire body pulsating with pure delight. I watched breathlessly as the water continuously tried to push my semen down the drain.

By the time I got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my waist, I had forgotten all about my dream and what it had done to me. That's how it had always been.

The telephone rang as I re-entered the kitchen. I picked it up to hear a very familiar voice.

"Hey Spin, what's up?" Jay said in his very "cool" way.

"Nothing," I spoke for the first time that day.

"Okay...well what are you doing tonight?" Jay asked.

"Nothing," I repeated blandly.

"Do you wanna hang? Get out some of those graduation jitters?" Jay asked cutely

"Sure," I said, starting to laugh at the sound of his voice. I thought silently for a couple seconds before I said, "You do mean we're going to drink, right?"

"Yeah," Jay laughed, "I've got a handle of Jack so it's time to get wrecked."

"Oh man," I exclaimed, "I am so ready."

"You better be," Jay replied.

We were both quiet for a couple seconds. It wasn't awkward though. It's never awkward between us. We just understand each other I guess.

"Alright, well I gotta go," I said quickly, thinking of the cereal in my cupboard, "I'll see you later"

"Okay, man. Peace." He said.

We both hung up. This is what it had been like almost every weekend since I got my apartment four months previously. Jay and I would get together and drink and talk about how we were both outcasts or about some other reason why our lives were so bad. We'd stay up till 5 in the morning sometimes just rambling on and on about our stupid shit that nobody else cared about. Sometimes he'd sleep on the couch, but most of the time we just stayed up until he was mostly sober so he could drive home.

I don't know how, but I'd been getting by in school somehow. With graduation just around the corner, I was skeptical. I kept thinking that they were going to pull some shit and fail me even though I'd gotten all my credits. Graduation didn't mean much to me because I didn't plan on doing anything with my life, but for some reason I really wanted that diploma. Maybe I just needed to prove to all of my old friends that I wasn't the loser they thought I was. No matter how often I told Jay that I didn't care about them anymore, I never believed it. I always wanted my friends back.

When I was finished with my cereal, I came to the realization that I had never gotten dressed. I walked over to my dresser and pulled out some random clothes. I took off the towel and then discovered that I hadn't taken out a pair of boxers. As I searched my unorganized drawers for a clean pair of underwear, I felt like someone was watching me. Suspicious, I turned around quickly.

Craig was standing there. My old friend Craig, who hadn't so much as acknowledged me since the previous year was standing in my apartment, staring at me with his mouth open in surprise.

"Craig," I said in utter bewilderment, "What are you doing here?"

He seemed to come out of a trance.

"Uhh...Spinner," he said cautiously.

"Yeah?" I asked, still confused.

"You aren't wearing any clothes," he pointed out.

I looked down and then suddenly became aware that I was completely naked. I quickly turned around and luckily found a pair of boxers on top of the dresser. I hurriedly put them on while Craig laughed at me...something he hadn't done in so long. I smiled.


	2. Nostalgic

Craig and I sat down at my kitchen table. It had 2 seats. One was for me and the other was for Jay (since he basically lived here). I offered him a cup of coffee, but he refused it. I enjoyed my own cup.

"So," I said intelligently, sipping at my coffee, "You're here, why?"

Craig looked up. He looked frantic like he had the time last summer when he was off his meds. I thought briefly of asking him if he had taken his medication, but then I thought against it. Telling Joey last time hadn't gotten me anything; in fact, it had drawn Craig even farther away from me.

"Well I thought I'd come-" he began to say.

"Look, I know you want something from me," I interrupted plainly, "So just skip whatever you were going to say and tell me what it is you need me to give you."

Craig looked confused at first, but then he recovered.

"I don't need something...well I do," he said to me, "but that's not why I'm here."

"Then why are you here?" I asked again.

"I wanted to see how you've been," Craig said sincerely, "I realized that I miss having you as a friend and want that to change."

At first I didn't know whether to believe him or not, because I was fairly positive that this was only building up to whatever it was he needed. But I couldn't help but feel lighter. I wanted to make things right with Craig, and he wanted to too.

"I've missed you too," I said quietly, almost forcing out the words I'd been too embarrassed to tell anyone, "So what do you need?"

"Well," Craig said cautiously, "I need a place to stay for about a week."

"What? Why?" I asked frantically, "You're not out on the streets again, are you?"

"No, no," Craig clarified, "Nothing like that. Joey's just really sick. He sent Angela off to her grandma's house and he sent me out on the streets."

"He just pushed you out because he was sick?" I asked angrily, "That's not right at all."

"Well," Craig said again, "I told him I could stay at Sean's house."

"But Sean's been gone for over a year..." I said, not quite catching on.

"Yeah, I know," Craig continued, "I just didn't want him to worry about me. I figured I could find a place to stay. And if not, I've spent the night on the streets before. It's not that bad."

"Craig, you got beat up and your guitar was stolen..." I said stupidly.

"Yeah, but I can manage," Craig smiled independently.

"No way, you're staying here," I commanded.

Craig smiled brightly. "Thanks, man," he said happily, gripping my hand out of gratitude.

"Yeah, sure," I replied excitedly, thinking about what had just happened, "You can sleep on the couch. Oh...and uhh, Jay kind of comes over a lot. So if you have anything against two losers getting drunk every night and whining about how we're miserable...then I guess you shouldn't stay here."

"Nah, I don't mind," Craig said seriously, "Maybe I'll join the festivities."

"Well you'd have to be a loser to do that," I pointed out.

"I am a loser!" he exclaimed, "Ashley left me and all of my friends are paired off with someone. I am always the 7th wheel."

"Who would have thought Alex would end up with someone like Jimmy," I laughed.

"Yeah," Craig responded, "I'm still really weirded out about that."

We were both silent for a few minutes before I stood up. I walked over to the fridge and looked inside.

"How did you find my apartment, anyway?" I asked Craig as I got an apple out of the fridge.

Craig laughed to himself, "You don't want to know."

"Okay then," I replied, agreeing with his statement, "Well do you want a tour or something?"

"Uhh...sure," Craig said uneasily.

I walked a couple feet to the right of Craig and stood next to the couch.

"This is the family room," I told him, "even if a family couldn't really fit into this room."

I walked a bit farther and stood in the wide doorway that led to my bedroom.

"I sleep in there. It's about the size of a jail cell, but I have a computer in there so if you need to use one..."

I trailed off and then started down to the end of the room. I pointed to a door on my right.

"That is the bathroom."

Craig looked at me, waiting for more.

"And that's the end of the tour," I specified, walking back over to Craig, "Oh, we're in the kitchen, by the way."

He smiled now and stood up. He looked at me gratefully for a few seconds and then he wrapped his arms around me, embracing me tightly.

"Thanks," he said, "for being so Spinner."

"No problem," I said, hugging him back. I wanted to stay in this moment forever. Craig and I had miraculously become friends again, and that meant the world to me. It was somehow different though, even if he didn't realize it. We were closer than ever before…it was like we had started over, or maybe we had never stopped.


	3. Who?

Craig was in the shower when Jay arrived. Jay came inside without knocking like he always did. I stood up to greet him.

"Hey Spin, where should I put this?" he asked, gesturing to the bottle of liquor in his hand.

"You know it doesn't matter," I replied with a smile.

Jay placed the bottle on the kitchen table, also smiling. He walked over to the refrigerator and looked inside.

"Don't you ever eat? You never have any food," Jay said plainly.

"Hey, shut that door," I snapped, "Do you know how much it costs every time someone opens that?"

"No," Jay snickered, "But then how can you afford to keep the shower running when no one's in it?"

"Huh?" I said, not realizing what he meant at first.

"The shower-"

"Ohh," I said quickly, "Actually, Craig's in the shower."

Jay raised his eyebrow. Then he started to laugh. I didn't think it was very funny. For the first time in over a year I had my friend back.

"It's not a joke," I added defensively.

Jay stopped laughing.

"So you're serious?" Jay inquired, "Craig Manning is in your shower?"

"Yeah," I confirmed.

"I thought that kid hated your guts...?" Jay said cautiously.

"I guess not," I stated, "He needed a place to stay, so I told him he could stay here."

At that moment, Craig came out of the bathroom door wearing nothing but a towel. Both Jay and I turned quickly at the sound of the door.

"Hey guys," Craig said politely, "What's going on?"

"Nothing," I said.

"Hey Jay," Craig acknowledged him upon realizing that Jay was uncomfortable.

"...Hey…" Jay responded uneasily.

"Don't mind me," Craig said after a short silence, "I'll only be here a couple days."

There was an awkward pause in which we all stared at each other. Suddenly, Craig smiled uncomfortably and then went into my room to change. As soon as Craig shut the door, Jay turned to me.

"He hates me too," Jay said sadly.

"He doesn't hate you and he doesn't hate me," I assured him.

"Then why was he looking at me like that?" Jay asked.

"Come on, you don't care about stuff like that," I reminded Jay.

Jay was speechless. I guess he felt defeated or something. He never liked to admit that he had emotions. He'd just wait until he was piss drunk and let them come out in a wave of self-pity and regret.

"Let's get started on that bottle," I suggested, trying to make Jay feel better.

Jay smiled again. I grabbed the liquor bottle from the table and we sat down on my couch. For a few minutes, we simply admired the black and white label on the bottle before Jay abruptly picked it up and unscrewed the cap.

"Bottom's up," he said, putting it to his lips and swallowing hard.


	4. Drunk

When Craig joined us fifteen minutes later, Jay and I had already finished a third of the bottle of whiskey. He sat down on the floor next to the couch so that he was facing us. There was a brief silence as I took a swig from the bottle and Craig and Jay stared at each other.

"You want some, Manning?" Jay asked, offering up the bottle to him. He had taken on his usual bad boy persona again, probably as a defense mechanism against his discomfort with the situation.

"Sure," Craig replied, smiling. Jay handed him the bottle and he took a drink. He made a face as the liquor slid down his throat and then he started to cough. I don't think Craig is much of a drinker.

"What's wrong?" Jay laughed, "Not familiar with Jack Daniels?" Craig was still coughing.

"No," Craig managed between gasps, "I think I swallowed it too fast."

As the night went on, the three of us got drunker and drunker. Craig was the perfect addition to our late night loser sobfest. He liked to complain about how everybody was always worried about his bipolar disorder.

"Like Ashley, man," Craig slurred his words as he stared, glossy-eyed, at me, "She was always so hung up on my 'condition' that we never even had fun anymore. It was always 'Craig, did you take your pills?' or 'You're acting weird'. Why can't anyone just forget about my mental state and talk to me like a normal person?"

Jay had started laughing when Craig had attempted to emulate Ashley's voice and he was now doubled over on the floor next to Craig.

"I know what you mean," I said passionately, "It's like they don't see you...they just see your brain...only it's all messed up...or something."

I lost track of what I had meant to say half way through my sentence. My point had been made, but my jumbled sentence made Jay start laughing again. Craig smiled, and then I started laughing at myself.

When the laughter died down there was a strange silence. I looked straight ahead, accidentally starting to drift out of consciousness. Jay was lying on his back and Craig was sitting cross-legged in the same place he'd been all night.

"You guys aren't that bad," Craig said suddenly, waking me from my dazed state, "I don't know why everyone hates you so much. Actually, you guys are great!"

"You're great too," Jay said drunkenly, sitting up to face Craig, "I didn't even know you before...but now...I do...know you. And you aren't just a...fucking...you know." The three of us were well beyond the point at which any of us made sense when we talked.

As I sat there smiling at Craig and Jay, I felt like my life was perfect. If I was with these two guys then I could be happy. Maybe it was real euphoria...or maybe it was just the alcohol. It didn't really matter to me.

"I love you guys," I said, resting my head on the couch cushion so I was staring at the ceiling.

"I love you too, man," Jay exclaimed as he grabbed my pant leg and dragged me off the couch. He pulled me into a sloppy hug and patted my back. I put my arms around him and everything felt amazing.

"Come here," Jay said loudly, gesturing to Craig with his arms that were constricted by my body, "Come on, get in on the lovveee." He extended the last word, almost by accident.

When Craig just smiled and continued to stare straight ahead, Jay pulled him into the hug too. Craig didn't have the strength to put his arms around Jay or me; he just laid there...limp, yet comfortable.

And then the three of us fell asleep, entangled together in a drunken mess.

I awoke briefly around 6 a.m. when I heard the front door slam shut. Jay had left. But Craig was still lying on the floor next to me. My buzz was still far from gone, but I managed to stand up and walk over to my room. I grabbed an extra blanket from my bed and brought it out into the hall.

"Craig," I whispered, shaking him awake by touching his shoulder harshly.

Craig muttered something unintelligible and tried to go back to sleep.

"Craig," I repeated, attempting to lift him to his feet this time.

"What? What is it?" Craig said sleepily, standing up with my help.

"Here, sleep here," I motioned to the couch.

He fell back onto the couch and was asleep immediately. I sighed and smiled to myself. Then I took the blanket I had taken from my room and laid it over top of him. Lazily, I made my way back to my bedroom. I collapsed onto my bed and felt the world spin around me. I was hoping for a moment of clarity here. Like, suddenly I would know what I really wanted. I was hoping for an answer as to why sometimes I had sexual fantasies about Craig and other times the thought disgusted me.

But all I got was a headache. And then I fell back asleep.


	5. Ordinary

"Get up, man," Craig's voice interrupted my sleep.

I opened my eyes lazily and then closed them again for a moment. My hands rubbed at my eyes, almost involuntarily, trying to force myself to become more awake. I sleepily shifted left to look at my alarm clock. It was flashing 12 o' clock. I must have unconsciously unplugged the clock when the alarm went off early in the morning. I looked up, suddenly becoming aware of Craig, who was standing above me, freshly showered and wearing some of my clothes.

"What time is it?" I groaned, sitting up in my bed, which was actually just a mattress on the floor.

"It's 2 o' clock," Craig replied, smiling, "You've been sleeping forever."

I ran my hand through my short hair and unexpectedly let out a yawn.

"I'm not a morning person," I said softly.

"I know," Craig said with a smile, "You used to sleep over at my house like every weekend."

"Oh yeah," I smiled too, slightly embarrassed, "I guess I sort of forgot. It's been so long since we've hung out."

With my blunt acknowledgment that we hadn't been friends for over a year, Craig fell silent. I didn't mean to make it awkward. It didn't matter to me anymore because we were friends again. Craig looked down at me apologetically. Then, he sat down next to me.

"I'm sorry about that," Craig tried to explain himself, "When you and Jimmy started fighting-"

"Don't worry about it man," I said, shaking my head, "It's okay. I understand."

"But, listen," Craig said, looking upset, "I didn't mean anything I said to you. I know you never meant for the prank to go that far. My mental state wasn't so good around the time of the shooting. I mean...I didn't mean..."

"Craig, it's okay," I repeated, "really. You don't have to explain yourself. We all say things we don't mean."

"Oh..." was all Craig could say.

We were both silent again. I stared intently at Craig, who was looking solemnly at the floor. Suddenly, he looked up at me. For a long moment, we looked thoughtfully at each other. Craig's mouth opened slightly as if he were going to say something. He looked extremely vulnerable. In that instant I wanted him more than I'd ever wanted anything in my life.

"I have to be at work in an hour and a half," I said suddenly, looking away in order to detract from the awkwardness of the current situation, "You can hang out here while I'm gone. Have people over or whatever. I don't care."

"I was actually thinking of heading over to The Dot for lunch," Craig replied, "Do you want to grab a bite before your shift?"

"Sure," I answered, becoming a bit excited at the thought of going out to eat with a friend, something I hadn't done in a very long time, "When did you want to go?"

"Whenever you're ready," Craig said, "but hurry up, man. I'm hungry."

"Alright," I yawned, standing up, "I'll take a quick shower and then we'll head out."

"I'll be out here," he gestured toward the 'family room.' And then he disappeared through the door.

As I grabbed a set of clean clothes, entered the bathroom, and turned on the shower, I was in a growing state of euphoria. Everything seemed so much brighter with Craig back in my life. I couldn't help but smile as I undressed and stepped into the shower.

Fifteen minutes later I was dressed and ready to go. Craig was sitting on the couch watching the news as I emerged from my room holding my car keys.

"Ready?" I said coolly.

Craig turned off the TV and stood up briskly. "Yeah, let's go," he replied.

There was an odd silence as we walked down the stairs to the ground floor where my car was parked. I wanted to start conversation, but I couldn't think of anything to say. Did Craig still feel uncomfortable around me? Why wasn't he saying anything? As we got into my car I glanced over at Craig. He was sitting there, emotionless, staring straight ahead. I started the car and shifted into gear.

"Are you alright," I said finally, as we exited my complex.

"Huh?" Craig muttered dreamily. He seemed to be in a very dazed state.

"Craig," I said louder, trying to get his attention. He looked over at me. He still seemed to be in thought and his eyes looked somehow saddened.

"What's up?" he replied in a somewhat hollow tone.

"Is everything okay?" I inquired, "You seem really out of it."

"Oh," he said, raising his eyebrows slightly, "yeah, I'm fine."

He didn't sound like he was fine. I didn't say anything. I just focused on the road. I felt slightly let down. Perhaps Craig was having second thoughts about being my friend again. Or maybe he really was just using me for my apartment. Would we still be on speaking terms after he went back to his house, or would it go back to the way it was before?

"Do you ever wonder if you'll find someone you can be with forever?" Craig said suddenly in a very serious manner.

"What do you mean?" I asked, taken aback. I tried to sound at ease, but his comment had come out of nowhere.

"I don't know," Craig continued strongly, "It's just that I've only ever had two real relationships. I mean, if you count Manny."

Craig looked like he felt guilty for an instant, but then it was gone.

"And when Ashley never came back from England I just sort of gave up hope," he continued sorrowfully, "I thought Ashley was the one for me, but she couldn't have felt the same way. I mean, if she couldn't deal with something as stupid as a mental disease then how could she possibly be with me forever?"

"You're still hung up on her?" I asked, slightly in awe that I was having this conversation.

"No, that's the thing," he said getting a bit louder, "I don't want to be with her anymore. And I don't want to be with anyone else either. I've had plenty of opportunity to start things with girls this year, but I haven't felt up to it. I just don't feel like I connect with anyone anymore."

"Well this is just Degrassi, man," I said, trying to be helpful, "There's a whole world of girls out there. I'm sure there's one that you can connect with."

"But what if there's not? What if I'm destined to be alone forever?"

"Come on, dude," I said, slowing down as the stoplight ahead turned from yellow to red, "You know you don't have to be with somebody to be happy."

Craig looked as though he was going to say something more, but then he stopped. He sat back in his chair, becoming more relaxed.

"Are you happy?" he said after a little while, in a much calmer voice.

I considered the question for a few seconds. Surely I was happy without a significant other. I didn't need to be romantically involved with anybody to be happy. Right? I imagined myself kissing Craig momentarily, but I quickly pushed the image away.

"Yeah, I'm happy," I answered, "I don't have anyone and I'm fine with that."

This statement seemed to be the end of our unsettling conversation. Within minutes Craig was already going on about the upcoming final exams. By the time we reached The Dot we were deep in conversation about Kwan's harsh grading scale. As we sat down at a booth inside, my mind was far from the vulnerable state it had been in during our chat in the car. Everything was okay again and all apprehension about Craig's dedication to our friendship was gone.

We were friends eating lunch together. This was all that I'd wanted for the past year. It's odd how something so ordinary can be so comforting. A conversation, a meal, a smile; these very ordinary things can go a long way. At least for me, anyway. This is all I need. For now.


	6. What Happened?

All day long as I filled sodas and brought people their burgers, I thought about Craig. I was mostly still astonished at how happy it was making me to have him back in my life. After a while, I began to wonder why it was Craig who came to me and not one of my other friends. After all, he was probably the last of my friends I would have expected to forgive me, except for Jimmy of course. After that huge fight we'd had over Manny, and the fiasco with Rick on top of that…

And as I pondered the past, for once I was dwelling not on the horrible events that led up to the shooting, but on Manny. What happened with Manny?

I found myself replaying conversations we'd had over and over in my head like a broken record.

"_So you and Paige…never…?" Manny was having trouble containing her surprise. It was a chilly Friday night and Manny and I had sprawled out a large, woven blanket in a secluded field._

"_Are you gonna make me say it again?" I asked, half excited, half humiliated._

"_I'm sorry, Spin, it's just hard for me to take in. You..a…"_

"Virgin," I repeated, this time with no shame, "Yes, I'm a virgin. You gonna do something about it?"

She feigned offense at how forward I had been, raising her eyebrows and playfully punching me on the shoulder, but we both knew that she found it endearing. From there everything just seemed to…happen. We were kissing, then we were tumbling around on the ground. Our clothes were tossed aside and suddenly we were having sex and it was the most amazing thing I'd ever felt and I was finally really alive.

But when I remembered those times with Manny, this was as far as I usually dwelled. I never stopped to ponder what had happened between us. I certainly didn't think about the fact that my limited amount of sexual experiences only ever lasted a few short minutes at most. What was I even thinking then? Was I thinking at all, or were my hormones acting of their own accord? At least one thing was clear, if I really thought about it, anyway—Manny was not who I wanted in the end. She never had been.

By the time I clocked out for the night, I was sweaty, covered in grease, and my mind was spinning. I raced back to my apartment, partly because I had been longing to see Craig all day, and partly because I was craving a stiff drink so I wouldn't have to think anymore.

I was so lost in contemplation when I pulled into the parking lot outside my building that I nearly ran over a guy who was standing in the parking spot. I swore loudly out of shock as I slammed on the brake and swerved to the left in order to avoid the seemingly lost loiterer. But just as I was regaining my composure, the shadowy figure crossed in front of my car and the headlights revealed the rough visage of Jay Hogart.

"Jay, what the fuck, man?" I shouted, "You could've been killed! How much have you had to drink?"

Jay simply wobbled serenely with a slight goofy grin on his face.

"Why are you in the parking lot, dude?" I demanded, though in a slightly calmer voice this time.

"I wuz waitin' fer you budd-eee," he managed, but that was all I could make out, except for a mumbled "fuckin' dot burger" and something that sounded like "greg zon ice."

He was a complete mess. I wonder what drove him to this? I had to get him out of the open.

"Okay Jay," I humored him, speaking as if to a 5-year-old, "that's really great of you to wait for me like that. Why don't we go inside now?"

"Yeh, 'old on then," Jay uttered, stumbling, his finger pointing up in the air in an attempt to express that he needed a minute. But as soon as Jay moved to make his way to the door, he was tripping over his own feet and he was lying flat on the concrete.

"Okay, okay, big guy," I said as I rushed to the spot where he had fallen, "Let's go. I'll help you up."

I knelt down and forced his arm around my shoulder. It took all my strength to heave him up and keep him supported around my neck, but slowly we were able to hobble to my front door.

"Okay, shh," I warned Jay as we paused on the front porch, "You've got to keep quiet. Craig might be sleeping…I think all the lights are out."

"Craig!" Jay shouted, much louder than I would have expected, especially directly following what I had just said.

"_Yes Craig_, " I whispered harshly, "Did you not just hear me?"

Suddenly Jay pulled away from me—he seemed not to want me supporting his weight anymore.

"Jay, you're gonna fall—" I began, but he had shushed me with the movement of his hand.

"Why you so worried 'bout Craig?" Jay asked me accusingly as he struggled to keep his balance.

"What's this about, man?" I responded, unsure of how to address the situation.

"You can't lie to me Spin," Jay mumbled, "I know you like Craig more than me. An' pretty soon I won' have any friends at all." As he finished the sentence, Jay very nearly fell backwards, and before I could even begin to think of how to reply to him, I had to lunge forward to prevent him from falling and I grabbed him around the waist because it was the easiest way to support him and somehow it just happened...

I was losing my balance and I was about to fall forward onto Jay, but at the last second I caught my feet on the ground and I was holding onto Jay, and Jay fell forward onto me. And for a second I thought he was crying, and maybe he was, but it was impossible to tell, and so I held him tight. But I had no idea what was happening, and he had forced his face up to mine and he was kissing me! I was so shocked and delighted and confused and I couldn't even tell if I was kissing him back

And at that exact moment, I heard the sound of my front door opening and I instinctively pulled my face away from Jay's and turned to see the door swing inward. I was bug-eyed in surprise and trying desperately to catch my breath. I had lost any train of thought I'd had in my head.

"Uhh…" was all Craig had to say as he stood in the doorway of my apartment, wearing only an old pair of my pajama pants, looking back and forth between Jay and me in bemusement.


	7. Aftermath

Craig was staring at me, utterly bewildered, and I couldn't think straight—I couldn't even breathe. I couldn't do anything but just stand there, frozen in place, Jay supporting his weight against me on one side, his head rolling back and forth dangerously.

"Can you help me get him inside?" I blurted out suddenly after my awkward hesitation.

Craig moved forward to help me at once, muttering something unintelligible, his expression quickly changing from perplexity to concern. Craig got on Jay's other side and freed some of Jay's weight from my shoulder. Together, we hobbled through my front door, struggling to keep Jay from falling to the ground.

Inside, we carefully set Jay down so he was lying on his stomach on the couch. I draped a blanket over him as Craig found a nearby pillow and placed it under his head. Letting out a deep sigh, I turned to Craig, who looked worried.

"We should take his car keys," Craig suggested abruptly, "If we don't, you know he's gonna wake up still drunk and drive home."

I nodded in agreement. He was right. Jay would be a hazard to himself and everyone else on the road if he attempted to drive anywhere before morning.

"Okay," I said, and turned to kneel next to the couch where Jay was sprawled out. He always kept his keys in his left pocket, and any other time that wouldn't be an issue at all, but the prospect of feeling him up felt weird now, considering what had happened only minutes ago.

I looked apprehensively to Craig, as if to ask him how to proceed. He gave me a small nod, which I decided was all I needed, and then I cautiously reached my arm across Jay's waist and stuck my hand in his pocket.

Jay immediately began to stir, and I quickly withdrew my hand. His head jerked upward and he turned back to look at me.

"Spin," he grunted drunkenly, "yer a real dick, ya-know?" And with that, he flopped back down and started snoring.

I turned to Craig again, wide-eyed in surprise. He wore an identical expression for a moment before a grin of amusement stretched across his lips. I couldn't help but smile too, and without warning, we both started busting up laughing, but I quickly put my hand over my mouth to muffle the sound and shushed Craig. Jay didn't show any sign of acknowledgement, so I took the opportunity to go for his keys again. It seemed he was completely out now—he didn't move at all this time, and I was able to retrieve the keys from his pocket.

After waving the keys victoriously at Craig, we both moved quietly to my bedroom, leaving Jay to rest.

"Whew," Craig sighed, silently pulling my door shut behind him. I had already pulled my shirt off and was stepping out of my pants when Craig turned to speak to me.

I was momentarily embarrassed, but the feeling quickly disappeared. For some reason I felt comfortable around Craig, despite the awkward situation he had walked in on. Craig even looked at me as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened. I pulled on my sweatpants and sat down on one side of my bed, motioning to Craig that he was welcome to the other side.

"Sit down," I offered, "And you're welcome to sleep here tonight if you'd like. I wouldn't want to subject you to Jay right now."

"It's okay," Craig began, "I don't want to impose on you more than I already have. I'll just—"

I cut him off mid-sentence, "Don't worry about it, Craig. I really don't mind, and I've got a really amazing bed—you just sink into. I seriously doubt you could've slept very well on that stiff old couch, man."

He looked as though he might say something, but instead he just made his way to the vacant side of my bed and lay down flat on his back. After a few seconds he started to laugh uncontrollably.

"You were right," he giggled, "You really do sink in." I smiled at Craig's giddy expression, then adjusted myself so Craig and I were lying next to each other, both staring blankly at the ceiling.

"I feel delirious and I haven't even had a drink," I told Craig, for lack of anything else to say. He turned to me with an oddly serious expression, but he was unable to keep a straight face for more than a few seconds.

"I'm — a little — bit — stoned," Craig confessed between suppressed giggle fits.

"What?" I responded loudly, incredibly shocked, "When did you start smoking weed?"

"Tonight, I guess," Craig explained, regaining his composure, "Jay lit up a joint and offered it to me. I thought…why not?"

"Ahh," I said, realization dawning on me, "That must have been how he got so fucked up." Craig gave me an anxious look, so I added, "Pot can be a little too much if you're really drunk. No worries though, by itself it's totally fine."

Any tension Craig had been experiencing seemed to disappear from him. He exhaled deeply, and then it was silent. It seemed like an unnaturally long silence. My mind wandered back to the scene on my front porch. It felt like an invisible barrier was hanging in the air. I stole a glance at Craig, who might have been comatose, were it not for his piercing blue eyes open wide in concentration.

"About earlier," I said earnestly, breaking the awkward silence, "I'm sorry, that was just weird. I was probably as shocked as you looked when Jay…" I trailed off.

"Kissed you," Craig finished my sentence for me, "Nothing to feel weird about, man. Though I have to admit it was a bit strange to witness."

I felt as though he had lifted a weight off my chest. Everything had felt really weird since the incident, and I was glad to get it out in the open.

"You know, Marco kissed me once," Craig added. I turned my head to look at him, raising my eyebrows in astonishment. He was looking right back at me with an expression of utter sincerity, and he elaborated, "It was a surprise-let's-make-dylan-jealous kiss. It was so strange…caught me off guard."

"I know what you mean," I replied knowingly.

"There was something different about the way Marco kissed me though," Craig explained curiously, "I mean, it happened so fast, but it was maybe a little bit…rougher."

"Marco? Rough?" the two words didn't really seem to go together, "I was basically just mouth-raped by blacked-out Jay."

"I see your point," Craig said, nodding his understanding, "Other than that though, kissing Marco really wasn't much different from kissing a girl." He paused for what seemed like hours while he seemed to be contemplating something, then he spoke again, "As bad as this may sound…I think Marco was a really good kisser."

A wave of anxious excitement swept over me at the statement, and I barely noticed my gaze lingering on Craig's lips in time to quickly look away. At first I thought he had noticed my wandering eyes, but then his expression was unreadable, and I thought I might have been imagining things as we both lay back flat and looked up at the ceiling.

"I've never been surprise-kissed by a guy before," I said, determined to avoid any further awkward pauses, "But I see what you're saying." Craig did not respond. I felt vulnerable. I didn't know what to do with that feeling. "The force he came at me with…" I spoke passionately, recalling the feeling of Jay's lips pressing angrily against mine, "it really _was_ something different."

I sat up a little bit, leaning against the wall, and examined every inch of Craig's body. He seemed to be avoiding looking at me—his head was turned in the opposite direction and he looked innocent lying on his side and straddling a pillow. At that moment, something clicked inside my head and I knew what I had to do.

"Craig," I announced confidently, "I don't know how to tell you this…you've made me happier than I've been in a long time these past two days." I searched desperately for any sign of acknowledgment, but I got nothing, so I made myself go on, "I think…I think…I can't stop thinking about you."

I felt as though time had stopped. There was no sound except the two of us breathing in and out and the distant hum of the radiator. Then Craig began to stir—he was rolling over to face me!

But when he finished turning over, it became very clear that he had fallen asleep mid-conversation. I felt a curious mixture of relief and disappointment. When would I ever get this off my chest?

Craig was muttering something—a series of grunts at first, the contented noises of a boy fast asleep—then, "…_Spinner_…"

He obviously had no idea what he was saying, I told myself, but my name had been unmistakable. Is he dreaming about me? I was overcome with joy greater than I had ever felt. What was this feeling? I looked intently at Craig's unconscious form, and I just couldn't help myself.

I reached out for his hand and entwined my fingers with his. He felt warm and wonderful, and I knew he couldn't possibly feel the same thing as me because he wasn't even awake, but it was still amazing somehow. Then I leaned closer and kissed him gently on the forehead, wishing this moment could last forever, though I knew I was already drifting out of consciousness.

I imagined that he was dreaming about me—that maybe he somehow knew that I was watching him, admiring him—and as my eyes were slowly closing, I could've sworn I saw him start to smile.


End file.
